Festinord - leading to changes

Festinord this past week was amazing. Of course I met new wonderful people, as always. Also, I am filled with new knowledge, inspiration and motivation after it. We had some really powerful lecturers that answered tons of questions I've had in my mind recently. There are so many things I want to change about my life and myself. Unfortunately I am not a very patient person when it comes to self-improvement and learning. I want to master everything at once! Sometimes that results in things just not happening - now, that's one of the things that just has to change.

I am one of those people who has been given the gift of easily feeling content with a situation. There are not many instances where I have not felt at home with what I'm doing or where I'm at. But it's also a curse, because sometimes I feel like there are more things I want out of life, but because I feel good about what I'm doing at the same time I don't feel the same urgency to chase after my dreams. Well, do I want to live a life that just feels good or do I want to live the life I've always dreamed of?? So, time for changes.

First of all, Festinord reminded me of how big and small the world is. There were people from roughly 25 countries. I managed to meet an Australian again (what's up with those aussies coming my way?), some Belgians and some Germans, apart from the normal crowd of Nordic people. Meeting people from Australia of course made me think of Demi, my mission companion and how much I miss all the people from my mission. I get so caught up in life that I just forget to keep track of how much time that passes and then all of a sudden I realize I haven't talked to someone for 6 months, even though they are people that I love dearly. I don't want it to be that way. I don't want to lose more people that I love, just because I suck at keeping in touch.

The keeping in touch thing has two separate reasons. One of them is that I just don't notice time passing. The other one has to do with me and my fears. I am a person who comes to love people really fast and care very deeply for the people that I love (this doesn't mean I love everyone. I wish I was the kind of person who do, I'm working on it. Just not there yet.). That means there is always the risk that I care a lot more for others than they care for me. That is something that scares the wits out of me - the fear of not being loved to the intensity I love others. My little heart is so afraid of taking that kind of pain that sometimes I neglect to keep in touch out of fear of being rejected or unloved.

Anyway, I decided during Festinord I want to be better at keeping in touch with people. Therefore, I started working on it tonight! I chatted with three people I haven't really talked to in more than 6 months. And it felt soo good! It felt as if the holes in my heart became filled while we talked. Those are holes that come from the vast distances of this earth. During my mission and during my time in Kenya I came to love so many people and oftentimes it's painful to not be able to meet with people you care so deeply for. Tonight, instead of letting my fears convince me that these people don't really want to talk to me, I started talking to them and was reminded that friendships can stand the test of time and distance - and that there are people that not only loves me, but that knows me profoundly. One of my companions talked for only a little while and then said she needed to go. Then she added "i love you...even though i dont write all the time...dont take it personally please". And I had to ask myself: How is it that she knows me so extremely well? How is it that she knows that my brain will start telling me 'she doesn't want to talk to you because she doesn't love you'.
I don't know how she does it, but she has always understood me better than I understand myself. Somehow she just gets people - it's her gift.

What else did Festinord bring? I decided I needed to get a more perfect view of what I want out of life, in order to balance things and prioritize and to set goals of how I can accomplish my dreams. So during Festinord I sat down and started doing a mind map of my life - and many of the things that have been a complete mess in my head lately became a little bit more clear (though I have a feeling a blessing would give even more insights). There are so many things I want to do, but I need to accept that I just can't do all of them right now. I need to allow time and do them one or two at a time.

Here are some of the things I want:
 - Live abroad
 - Travel (all of Europe, Japan and China, The US, Machu Picchu etc.)
 - Become fluent enough in the languages I've studied (French, Italian and Russian) to use them
 - Start playing the piano and the clarinet again (this requires acquiring these instruments)
 - Try things like water skiing, hang gliding, flying air balloon, maybe even parachuting...
 - Do volunteer work in Africa

Ok, so far so good. Now, who has an extra life or two to give me? ;)